You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Watermelon Boss!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦