life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars