“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
me adding lol on a serious message
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
How does one answer this?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.