You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
You Might Also Like
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey