Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
BETRAYAL
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀