me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I enjoy a good short stor
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Ferrari squats
Noah was an idiot.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”