People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
no
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.