“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”