[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
fr
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”