My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too