I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early