I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
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I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My work here is done
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.