I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
i wish all
whales
a very
big
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.