LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.