“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”