So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?