Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
#dalle2
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
normalize having existential bread
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
good work, detective
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.