Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad