Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”