Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.