Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’M CRYINGGG
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site