Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Something Saturday.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
finally
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.