[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*