Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas