im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Born to be mild.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
remember
only for emergencies
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example