REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.