[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.