I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself