Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Perfect.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Just a phase…
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there