“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Is….Is this an option?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.