I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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Bless you
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice