Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
That took me a moment.
uncle dave has been through hell
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up