You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
All set.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good