If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I put the hot in psychotic.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.