Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
new wife guy just dropped