The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?