Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.