“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years