Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The funk soul brother
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“Great, now I have to pee.”