These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
You Might Also Like
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My current situation
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Ooh I do like a good funnel