Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
motivation
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you