I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
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You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.