[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary