White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Something Saturday.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
and now we wait
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet