Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good