farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
set yourself free xox
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
it be like that
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…