Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ