I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
You Might Also Like
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*