I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!