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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I have never related to a cat more
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Duck typos.